Fat people are no longer 'obese'

I was reading the paper today and came across a photo of a 'big unit' that I later discovered to be a human girl, which terrified me into reading the article. It turns out that British doctors are no longer allowed, by law, to call fat children 'obese'. Instead, they must use 'very overweight' so that they don't offend the child's parents.

However it has been said that dropping the word 'obese' could remove the sense of urgency that comes with using it. The sense of urgency that if that person doesn't stop eating cakes they will flatten their own legs and die a slow and painful death. But I think this is a great idea, because it means that the parents of the children won't realise quite how bad a situation their child is in, and more often than not these parents are massive cunts themselves who drive round in minivans because their mass cannot fit into anything else. This means that the child will slowly die. Once their child dies the parents will be so distraught they will binge eat and kill themselves.

This is survival of the fittest at work! In light of the news I've decided to drop the word 'obese' from my brain dictionary (it was crap without the word 'morbid' infront of it anyway) and I've instead replaced it with 'fat hideous fucking mess of a human'. If any fatties are offended by this, please feel free to approach me with threats.

But you'll have to catch me first you flabby cunts!

Get out of the middle lane before I give you cancer

The motorway is such a cool place. It consists of loads of cars travelling at high speeds very close to each other, much like a race track. However nobody drives in the middle of a racetrack all the time, because racing drivers aren't total cunts (Well, most of the time).

The motorway is home to the middle lane driver who will sit there driving his piece of shit at 70mph whilst everyone else drives past him screaming abuse which he can't hear because he has Radio 4 on so loud it would make a foghorn shit itself. Once again, the elderly prove that they are totally incompetent at something and should just all stay inside and die without trying to take anyone else with them.

Although having said that, I recently came across the absolute epitome of 'wanker' on the M5. My girlfriend was driving and I was sat in the passenger seat with my camera switched on when we approached a really crap heap of total fucking bollocks doing 65 in the middle lane with all the windows steamed up. I took a photo of his plate as we passed him in the fast lane since he wouldn't pull over and as we pulled up in line with him I looked in to see a young chav with his seat miles back looking about as gangster as a pack of Hubba Bubba. He was driving a Kia for fuck's sake. The only people who drive Kias are so inbred they all live in Minehead.

The cunt was sat there wearing a bandana and driving like a total fucking prick. I wanted to take his steering wheel and ram it straight up his arse, since he obviously never uses it to steer anywhere but the middle fucking lane. I've decided to keep the photo of his number plate so if you ever see him you can ram the twat off the road and rip his spine out or something. I'll put the photo up later. For now, remember that if you ever see a middle lane hog it's common practice and actually encouraged by the police to fly past them at 80mph and cut them up so harshly you can't see their number plate anymore and clip the front bumper if you can. That last bit is aimed at drivers of trucks. And battle tanks.

The internet is a horrible place to be

After a spirited discussion about shit things on the internet recently I realised just how much of a horrible place it is. It's full of vulgar little fuckers who think they're tough because they smoke at the age of 12 when really they'll be dead of cancer by 21, and I will still be alive to laugh at their funeral and shit in their families eyes. Anyway here's a quick rundown of the bollocks that make the internet such a bad place to be;

Glitter Text
The chances are, your profile page on MySpace will tell us all your name anyway, so why the hell do you need it displayed in 20 foot high glitter letters that move and change colour, you utter CUNTS? Fuck off, if you have glitter text on your page you're probably not worth knowing so you'll be denied a friends requests. The only friends you'll be making are the soles of my shoes as they destroy your fucking face.

YouTube members
Not all of them are arseholes but about 70% of the YouTube 'community' need to be either locked up or just slaughtered. The best comments are the ones left by small children who enjoy taking the piss out of countries they never knew existed and defending America to the death. For them, the US could be killing it's own people at mass on public television and they would still find a reason to defend it. If I ever met one of them the only thing they would need to defend would be their lungs from my fists. If ever there were a reason to allow children to play with guns, YouTube is one of them.

MySpace friends requests from bands
Just because you and your shitty little geek friends have started recording yourselves playing guitar and banging a frying pan in your garage it doesn't mean it's worth listening to. Infact, it sounds like someone gargling shit. So fuck off, I don't want to comment on your 'tracks' and I most certainly don't want to read the hundreds of chain bulletins you will be posting you talentless cocks.

DivX Stage 6
Why did they not think to make it compatible with the internet or computers in general? Usually a web based media player is designed to play media online, but Stage6 just seems to be a tool for crashing your browser/computer/temper and making you want to stab someone. It even looks like shit, like the designer jumped straight out of the later 90's and tried to make everything look all 'futuristic' by making it black, silver and blue. Get a fucking grip and FIX IT you bastards!

Dance music is just repetitive nonsense

According to some. I listen to quite a lot of dance music, not so much recently but a few years back I listened to so much that I could often be found waving glowsticks at the checkouts in a supermarket to the 'wikid beeping track'. However I have always come across people who tell me that dance music is just boring and repetitive and that it requires no skills to create it and these people are often scruffy types who think that Queen were the epitome of songwriting. Well I don't want to 'ride my bicycle', so fuck off.

I'm sorry, but I'm afraid that every single dance album in the world is obviously shit. If these people are to be believed then Tiesto is a complete sellout who can't play to thousands of fans live and DEFINITELY cannot play to billions of people worldwide at the launch of an Olympic games. If they are to be believed then nobody gains enjoyment from nightclubs, no matter how many drugs they're monged out on. Instead we must all go to shitty little rock nights that are populated with 13 year old wankers in black clothes who think they're individual by listening to a band that screams a lot. And the bar only serves cans, possibly because if glass bottles were served then they might slit their wrists there and then.

I wish the dance music haters would go and glass their own shrivelled excuses for bollocks. If you don't have the balls to listen to a genre of music that often contains a steady beat then music probably isn't the thing for you in general you dumb pricks. All music has a beat unless it's Aphex Twin, Squarepusher or Autechre in which case you get a barrage of beats all at once and if your piss poor excuse for a brain can't understand anything that doesn't have guitars in it then your life isn't worth living and you should probably go kill yourself right now.

Do you like my new layout?

I've got a brand new layout, it's a bit different to the last one but I think it looks better and I'm never wrong. If you'd like to comment on my new layout, drop me a line at;

Idontgiveashit@whatyouthink.com

Thanks!

Would the following people get down off their high horses please.

I hate celebrities. They're just people who have become famous, often for having no talent at all, and generally they turn into complete fuckwits as soon as they begin to appear in OK! or Hello! magazine. The following people need to climb down off their high horses and either dissappear altogether or just generally stop acting like they own the world. Bastards.


OK, so he's sort of faded from existence now (Is he even still alive?) but he is a drugged up, messy, shitfaced, wanker, nobheaded waste of life, isn't he? He was in Babyshambles who, to be fair, were pretty good. Then he somehow became famous for acting like a twat. And he gets to shag Kate Moss. The beaming, pastey faced cunt.

Edited 19th August 2007: It would appear that he and Kate Moss have now split, probably because his head was shrinking from the drugs or something. But he may end up selling their sex tapes for drug money! Oh, what wonderful role models for couples everywhere.




I used to hate Lilly Allen a lot but either she's grown on me (not literally, like a fungi) or Amy Winehouse just annoys me more. Her music makes me want to grate my ears off so that I don't have to hear any more of her drivel but her personal attitude is even worse. I've only ever seen her on Never Mind The Buzzcocks but since I'm very lazy I'll base all of my opinion on her for now. She basically came across as a drunken, gobby, tarty, chavvy, ugly, unstylish, big haired frowning whorewitch. She needs to shut the fuck up and get her hair cut off. The beehive headed mess.

Edited 19th August: She recently entered rehab only to leave shortly after. Oh the irony. I wish she'd just take a tad too many drugs and fuck off and leave us in peace.



First of all, she's a fat fucking mess. I felt sorry for Paul Daniel's when he swapped for her on Wife Swap, the poor guy was dragged out to a nightclub to watch her huge mass envelope poor unsuspecting men. Then she had a go at him for it. Vanessa, you're not funny, glamorous, attractive, talented or worthy of being on television ever again. Your husband/boyfriend is also a talentless pube. Together you're both big blubbery stupid twats.







I can't think of any more right now but rest assured as soon as the next celebrity series starts i'll be back with more bait for the little shits.

Macs are just bloody brilliant to be honest

Lately I've noticed that a lot of people moan online about Mac users being so 'full of themselves' about their machines that it angers them. Well, here's a newsflash dicksplash; they actually have something to shout about!

If you don't want to hear so much from Mac users about their operating systems how about you fuck off and stop telling us Mac users how you can play games? We can dual boot with Windows and have MacOS running on the same computer. Can you do that on your big noisy ugly Windows piece of shit computer? No you fucking well can't. You jealous cunts.

You may say that there is more hardware or software available for your system but in all honesty, how much of it will you ever find useful? How much of it will work without the need to download so many drivers you get brain damage from watching the installer bars increase? I quite enjoy plugging loads of USB devices into my Mac and watching them work whilst my Windows using friends stand there getting angry and shitting themselves over the latest security threats.

'It just works' is apparentlyan overused quote from Mac users, but there's a reason that so many of them say it and it's the same reason that so many Windows users say 'My computer is a piece of shit'. Because it's true. So would you please all shut the fuck up? Thanks.

Pizza delivery companies employ very intelligent people

I had someone ring the doorbell to my flat at 11.30 tonight. I'll just mention quickly that i'm a student warden at a halls of residence so we sort of look after the place when the owner goes home. But anyway, i got downstairs to answer the door and it was an employee of a pizza delivery company beginning in Dom and ending in inos. He had a thick accent which i couldn't quite put a location on but he was probably from somewhere that isn't used to running water let alone pizza deliveries. He asked me;

"Err....its pizza delivery for you?"

No. No it fucking isn't.
The name on the box said 'David' and my name isn't that, clearly. After i'd clotheslined him he got back up and we went out looking for this 'David'. He was nowhere to be seen, so i asked the pizza delivery boy to call the number on the box like they're supposed to. He had no idea what i was talking about. Aren't these companies supposed to employ people who actually know what their job entails better than a random student who's never delivered pizzas in his life?

I sent him back to his car and told him to sit in it while i slashed his tyres. Just as i did this a guy emerged from the nearby flats and picked up his pizzas, and the pizza guy drove off without even thanking me. He was so stupid he didn't even realise his tyres were out and he crashed into a tree! So i went back inside and had some Monster Munch.