The opinions contained herein are all mine

Recently i’ve been buying a lot of DVDs. They’re all very good, except for the one of my Family Guy DVDs that had to be sent back because the last 3 episodes of the first disc decided to have a fit on me. But a certain online store that begins with A, ends with N and has a Z in it were very good, as they always are, with the return of the disc and i got straight back to watching it once it came back, packaged in softness itself. Except I didn’t. Because the menus seemed to want all the attention. Now, i’m not singling out Family Guy here because it’s normally quite good but lately i’ve begun to notice that almost ALL films have disclaimers and shit at the start that are far too long.

And it’s fucking me right off. First of all you get the usual ‘Do not copy this film or we will send the MI5 round to take your cat hostage’ messages, but now you also get wank such as ‘The views expressed here within are those of the members of staff interviewed and do not represent the views of the company, because we’re scared of being sued by some fat cunt who has nothing better to do than sit around eating biscuits sueing companies so he can buy more sofa to accomodate his fat fucking arse.

That’s bad enough, but then they throw on yet another sting from a random company involved with the film. Usually the company that provided the oxygen for the big Hollywood stars. Then the film starts, and by this time you’ve eaten your own hands in anger, so you can no longer pause it when you need a piss. Which just ruins the entire thing.

Goths can fuck off too

Well, most of them can fuck off. Not the ones who are my friends though. I’m angry at goths a lot. I’m friends with some, and they lack most of the personality problems i hate about the rest. The main personality problem being the fact that they have their heads so far stuck up their own arseholes they have actually turned inside out. They walk around like they own wherever they happen to be yet when they’re threatened they tend to act like hedgehogs; curl up into a ball and hope their attacker either runs away or gets bored kicking the living shit out of them. To be honest, i wouldn’t even want to kick them because it would mean touching them, and people with that much of a lack of respect for anything but themselves deserve only to be kicked by other goths. Failing that, chavs,bacteria or woodlice. Anything on the same social level as them.

Then comes the ‘music’ which can only be described as someone who sounds angry because his mother has burned his cottage pie, shouting loudly into a microphone. Usually about death, which the untalented cunt has no experience of, unless he’s some sort of biological mistake. Actually, that probably explains a lot.

I also read recently that goths tend to go on to be very succesful, becoming lawyers, doctors etc. All i have to say to that is; Could you imagine a goth surgeon?

“AAAAAAOOOOOAOAOAOAORRRRUUGGHGHGHGH IM GONNA CUT YOU OPEN LIKE DEATH INSIDE YOUR MINDS IM GONNA SLICE YOU OPEN SO YOUR GUTS BLEED TOGETHER WITH MINE OH YEEEAAAAAHHHOOOOUUURRGGGGHGHHHHHH!!!!!Woah! Hold on.....you mean i actually have to operate? That would mean looking at blood and my mommy said that blood is a bad thing. I know it’s true because when that man got stabbed at Slipknot he went to an ambulance which drove him to hell.

How’s my make up look though?”

Haircut

I had my hair cut today. Nothing special you may be thinking, people have their hair cut all the time you twat. But today was special because i only had it ‘tidied up’ a bit rather than fully cut. However, when i do have it fully cut i often get the usual wankers exclaiming “Oh, you’ve had your hair cut!”. Yeah, well done you fucking trollop, what you’ve managed to do there is use one of your senses to see that something has changed visually about me. It’s generally what the sight sense is used for, seeing things. Those two mushy balls in your skull are your eyes you useless bastard.

I know I have had MY haircut because it’s MY hair, for fuck’s sake. It’s not like I just wandered into the barber’s in a daze and managed to get it cut by accident, leaving money behind in the process, is it? What i like to do when they mention this is to kick them really hard in the face. Try it. It works.

Everyone hates me!

I’m currently facing a huge dilemma. My local chip shop seems to hate me, but i love them with all my heart. And by them i mean the potato flakes they sell, heck i even love the chicken guts in pastry bowls but they still hate me. I swear whenever i walk in there i get a huge burn mark on my forehead that says ‘HELLO CUNTS’, like a slightly more offensive Harry Potter, but one that eats lots of chips and hasn’t got a load of fucking cash, because they give me evil looks every time I walk in! If I don’t have this mysterious scar then i can only conclude that they are bastards who hate me because i’m fucking awesome and they are clearly not. They may make delicious chips but they are not awesome.

No, awesome is something only a select few possess; David Hasslehoff and the bloke who did the voiceover at the start of the ancient kids TV show ‘Tugs’, which actually sounds like some kind of horrible porn title where big grunting men masturbate themselves into epilepsy using powerful but small boats. Come to think of it, the opening titles did contain lots of lounge jazz.....

I know the wrong people

Have you ever been in the company of somebody who made you want to throw gravel into your own eyes? I have, and i’m not going to mention any names because she might hunt me down and talk about herself until i had a stroke, but she never ever shuts up about anything to do with her. As long as it involves her, she’ll talk about it until the sun sets and she has to wear one of those weird night vision goggle sets to see herself in the mirror. Recently she got bought gifts and wouldn’t shut up about them because they were so ‘amazingly, like, cute’.

I believe the gifts should have been remote controlled explosives. I know what i’d ask for at Christmas time, and it wouldn’t be a shiny red fucking bike. But she goes on and on and on and i can only imagine that one day everybody she talks to will go into a coma and she’ll talk herself to cancer. Which we could all celebrate with jelly, ice cream and class A drugs, because that’s what the ‘youth of today’ get up to, right?

Well, no. Because at the moment our dealers won’t come anywhere near the chatter whore. She’s like a fucking Pacman on speed, the mouth just flapping open and noise coming out. She may as well be exhaling static and nobody would care any less, infact it would probably be at least three times as interesting as the shit that currently piles out of that hole in her face.

Supermarket Slag

Why is it that some people are just big tossers? I was walking through a supermarket the other day when a girl, with a bunch of her slapper mates stared at me and said in a squeaky voice “ELLO” followed by a long silent stare. I carried on walking, wondering if it was someone i knew, before simply replying with “....hello”, as you do when someone says hello to you. But then she did the strangest thing, she walked off giggling with her mates as if it was hilarious. Sorry, did i miss something you daft bitch? Did you suddenly contract a lethal dose of tuberculosis?

I hope she did, because had she not walked around the corner into the vegetable section i’d have shot her in the fucking throat. It seems she was so impressed with making her mates laugh at her obvious intelligence that she didn’t notice the fact that everyone was laughing AT her, not with her. Even the old woman stood looking at her basket wondering why she’d bought such shit batteries (again) was laughing at her, and i know for a fact that old woman also wanted to throw the girl’s dead body into a canal . Rolled up in carpet. With a jack tied to her leg.

But this doesn’t matter, because i win. I had better shopping. I was buying lots of alcohol to have a good time with my friends, whereas they were walking around buying chewing gum, probably to try and disguise the smell of the fags they’d been smoking from their moms. If she ever found out she might cut her pocket money so she can’t buy any more Barbie dolls. Plus, i have more money than they do. And a car. I don’t think she had a car.

The elderly make me smile

I have to admit that the elderly make me smile. They make me smile when i walk past them and they stare at me in a funny way because they’re about to die and i’m not. They make me smile when they drive incredibly slowly because their ankles are far too flimsy to push the throttle down enough to get out of first gear. It all makes me smile, and by smile i mean ‘want to throttle the living daylights out of them’. All 4 days of it.

The thing is, we were all young once, so surely they must know they’re pissing off everybody else? They must know that driving badly irritates people and yet they still do it, possibly for ‘shits and giggles’. Recently i witnessed an elderly lady driving her car into a fence and it was the most unspectacular thing i have ever seen. She was doing a so-so job of turning her car around at a junction when she stopped, got the revs up and dumped the clutch causing her car to lurch into a fence and rape it all down the sides. She fucked a fence with her car. That’s something most people, let alone the elderly cannot claim to have ever done. It sounds like the kind of thing drunken students would try, along with pushing over cows and cartwheeling across a zebra crossing for a fiver.

Yet i was unimpressed. Had she followed this fence-fuck with a dropkick through her own windscreen then i may have given her an ounce of credit, but as it was i simply followed her home and sealed her inside her house with a giant fence. It seemed fitting.

The first angtry

Yes, i just made up a new word

Deal with it. I think it describes perfectly what these blog entries are all about, my angry life. I'm sure there are loads of these kind of things out there but living in Somerset helps me make mine funny, because Somerset is full of utter tossers. I live in Taunton as a student and pretty much everyone gets on my tits.

The elderly make me want to try and stop trains with my balls, and the goth kids make me so mad it melts oxygen. Combining the two with other elements thrown in for good measure makes for some absolute bollocks that probably doesn't make sense most of the time. But hey, that's me. As everyone who meets me says:

"You're a total wanker. But we love you"

Actually, they don't but I like to think they do.