Pizza delivery companies employ very intelligent people

I had someone ring the doorbell to my flat at 11.30 tonight. I'll just mention quickly that i'm a student warden at a halls of residence so we sort of look after the place when the owner goes home. But anyway, i got downstairs to answer the door and it was an employee of a pizza delivery company beginning in Dom and ending in inos. He had a thick accent which i couldn't quite put a location on but he was probably from somewhere that isn't used to running water let alone pizza deliveries. He asked me;

"Err....its pizza delivery for you?"

No. No it fucking isn't.
The name on the box said 'David' and my name isn't that, clearly. After i'd clotheslined him he got back up and we went out looking for this 'David'. He was nowhere to be seen, so i asked the pizza delivery boy to call the number on the box like they're supposed to. He had no idea what i was talking about. Aren't these companies supposed to employ people who actually know what their job entails better than a random student who's never delivered pizzas in his life?

I sent him back to his car and told him to sit in it while i slashed his tyres. Just as i did this a guy emerged from the nearby flats and picked up his pizzas, and the pizza guy drove off without even thanking me. He was so stupid he didn't even realise his tyres were out and he crashed into a tree! So i went back inside and had some Monster Munch.

Religion makes me angry!

Believe it or not.

I don't like the Bible because it comes across as quite pretentious and this makes me feel so sick my penis retracts into my body. So i started to rewrite it very quickly. This is just a bit about the miracles and whatnot;

"So, what did you do today son?"
"Well, first i went to Tesco to get some soup and then i came out and there was an ill man almost collapsed on the side of the road. He was blind, had no legs and had a hole in his face from where a grenade went off in his mouth. So i healed him and that."
"You did what?!"
"I healed him. Then i went to the local school and fed all the children with one Pot Noodle. Then it started to rain, i was gutted because my hair was going to get wet. So i just stopped it and lowered the sun a bit to get my hair dry."
"Erm.....are you feeling alright?"
"Yeah, fine! I didn't even have to get me sandals wet because i parted all of the puddles. And tonight i've got a date with a complete slut. I'm going to get the free water, turn it into wine, get her drunk and shag her in the bogs."

Infact, i'm going out later on to pick up some food from my local shops and on the way there i'm going to try and part the traffic, like in Bruce Almighty. This could result in me being either killed or arrested, but being able to perform miracles i will simply kill them all just by looking at them. Then when i get to the shop i'm going to turn all of the water into Vodka just to shit people up a bit.

Shortly afterwards i might be put into a mental asylum where i'll be able to rewrite the bible fully and show the whole world my genius. Either that or they'll ignore me and die of global warming.

If i don't write another entry it's because either the above has actually happened or i've been kidnapped by religious followers and crucified.