Pizza delivery companies employ very intelligent people

I had someone ring the doorbell to my flat at 11.30 tonight. I'll just mention quickly that i'm a student warden at a halls of residence so we sort of look after the place when the owner goes home. But anyway, i got downstairs to answer the door and it was an employee of a pizza delivery company beginning in Dom and ending in inos. He had a thick accent which i couldn't quite put a location on but he was probably from somewhere that isn't used to running water let alone pizza deliveries. He asked me;

"Err....its pizza delivery for you?"

No. No it fucking isn't.
The name on the box said 'David' and my name isn't that, clearly. After i'd clotheslined him he got back up and we went out looking for this 'David'. He was nowhere to be seen, so i asked the pizza delivery boy to call the number on the box like they're supposed to. He had no idea what i was talking about. Aren't these companies supposed to employ people who actually know what their job entails better than a random student who's never delivered pizzas in his life?

I sent him back to his car and told him to sit in it while i slashed his tyres. Just as i did this a guy emerged from the nearby flats and picked up his pizzas, and the pizza guy drove off without even thanking me. He was so stupid he didn't even realise his tyres were out and he crashed into a tree! So i went back inside and had some Monster Munch.

Religion makes me angry!

Believe it or not.

I don't like the Bible because it comes across as quite pretentious and this makes me feel so sick my penis retracts into my body. So i started to rewrite it very quickly. This is just a bit about the miracles and whatnot;

"So, what did you do today son?"
"Well, first i went to Tesco to get some soup and then i came out and there was an ill man almost collapsed on the side of the road. He was blind, had no legs and had a hole in his face from where a grenade went off in his mouth. So i healed him and that."
"You did what?!"
"I healed him. Then i went to the local school and fed all the children with one Pot Noodle. Then it started to rain, i was gutted because my hair was going to get wet. So i just stopped it and lowered the sun a bit to get my hair dry."
"Erm.....are you feeling alright?"
"Yeah, fine! I didn't even have to get me sandals wet because i parted all of the puddles. And tonight i've got a date with a complete slut. I'm going to get the free water, turn it into wine, get her drunk and shag her in the bogs."

Infact, i'm going out later on to pick up some food from my local shops and on the way there i'm going to try and part the traffic, like in Bruce Almighty. This could result in me being either killed or arrested, but being able to perform miracles i will simply kill them all just by looking at them. Then when i get to the shop i'm going to turn all of the water into Vodka just to shit people up a bit.

Shortly afterwards i might be put into a mental asylum where i'll be able to rewrite the bible fully and show the whole world my genius. Either that or they'll ignore me and die of global warming.

If i don't write another entry it's because either the above has actually happened or i've been kidnapped by religious followers and crucified.

Gifts from the Poundland gods...

Having not updated for a long time i've decided to get really frustrated with more than one thing at once, which could cause health related problems i'm sure, but it's worth it. Firstly, who the hell actually shops in Poundland? You'd have to be a first class twat to want to buy the bollocks they sell there and think that it will actually work without snapping in half the moment you so much as breath on it. I've bought stuff from other stores that does the same job as Poundland products but can stop Boeing 747s in mid-flight. I love the place though. I love their amazing ability to sell the most useless shit you could ever think of.

Here are just a few things that i have found in Poudland in the past (All for JUST £1 CHILDREN!)

-30 tiny chickens (Which i placed carefully around my flat so it looked like they were having a conference)
-Homoerotic policemen figures
-'Magic Kid' on DVD (Which i have actually bought to watch when i'm drunk later)
-Minis with interiors that are ENTIRELY CHROME (Westwood's next project car, possibly)
-Electric Scissors (Yes, really)
-Staplers in the shapes of animals (Just incase your stationary needs involve whales)
-The most amazing Halloween jellies in the entire world ever.

I stopped there because i really have to talk about these jellies a bit more. They come in a pack of 5, so if one doesn't kill you then you have some backups, and although most of them are miniature works of art there was one that stood out to me. It can be seen above. Incase you can't figure out what it is because you're too fucking stupid to use your eyes correctly i'll explain. It's a small lollipop with a skeleton head, some bones and a grave stuck onto it. Yes, that's a grave. Despite the word 'HAPPY' being written on it, it's a grave.

I am totally confused by what this means, wether they're suggesting that the person buried under the ground, dead and rotting and full of worms and shit is happy i don't know. Maybe they want us to believe that the gravestone itself is happy because they were stoned off their tits when they decorated it? Whatever, if anyone does know please leave a comment that i can ignore.

Thanks.

By the way, when i typed that i'd get angry with more than one thing, i lied. Live with it.

EWS' blog, ranted about

http://lifefrombirth.blogspot.com is the blog site of my good friend EWS. He's better than all of you (but not me) and you should visit his site unless you want to be involved in the next plague. I noticed on his blog recently that he plugged this blog you're reading right now, so i thought i'd take him up on his offer of me getting angry over the same things as him and write a blog entry about his anger to thank him for promoting this blog about being angry and anger. That makes sense and YOU KNOW IT DOES. Here is what he wrote in his blog:

"But apart from this, I find that there are many other things I get annoyed at - annoying customers at my work, Neds that annoy me, annoying old ladies who walk across your path, or wobble when walking. All of these annoys me. Maybe I should write about them sometimes, or I might just pester Lloyd to do it, he is better then me at being angry."

So, here i am attempting to write about his anger. All I can say is that i totally agree with everything he has complained about so far;

Annoying customers at work - I get these a lot because i work in an airport and as many of you know, whenever you go into an airport your brain turns to styrofoam. People pester me to give them directions to Spain (that way, bitch) and ask me why their plane is delayed (because you're a cunt and the pilot hates you) and why there are no trollies to put their bags on (because we've melted them all down and turned them into knives which we are soon going to use to stab you in the lungs you selfish bastards). Because i wear a bright yellow jacket it means i know everything in the world, obviously. As soon as i take it off i fall over because i forget how to be a normal fucking human.

Neds that annoy me - Now, here in Taunton we don't get 'neds', we just get cunts. Today, for example, some cunts were driving around in a car firing water pistols at people because it was 'funny'. I had just bought a new mobile phone. Had those two things have met, those three burberry wearing sub-human wankers would now be in hospital having large objects removed from their eyelids. And i'd rob them, too.

Annoying old ladies who walks across your path - Again, living in Taunton, i am constantly affected by these 'things'. Old people are all fucking wankers, because they possess mostly the same traits as a drunken person. The wild weaving across the path, the inability to talk properly despite the fact they know they fucking well can, the inability to operate a mobile phone (and the striking ability to get it stolen) and the uncaused for anger. Old people always blame others for their mistakes. If they delete every single contact from their mobile they'll blame a newborn baby in Sweden. If they fall into the road and get hit by a car they'll blame a nearby hedgehog. If they drive badly they'll blame an acorn. It's about time they stopped blaming random shit and starting blaming their own general bollocksness.

So there we go, a few little bits of anger for you. Thankyou to EWS for the suggestions, it made me realise that i hate pretty much the same things as he does. Any more suggestions, drop me a line on the suggestions box at the bottom of this entry.

If you can't because you're not a member and you can't be bothered to sign up then please fuck off now.

My connection is a lie.

My internet connection is a crock of shit. Originally it wouldn't let you onto MSN Messenger and certain sites, and the other day it just went offline without explanation. It was the wrong sort of internet or something. Anyway, the people who run the 'service' decided to rewire without letting anyone know they were fucking with the router settings. So the connection went down for 2 days. I only found out that last bit about the router because my flatmate found out because i'm a lazy cunt.

So, after 2 days of being left in the dark it magically came back on again. Well, i say it came back on, it actually just decided to not give me quite as many errors as it did previously. I connected, and Adium returned an error. Playstation.com returned an error. As did Google, Metropower, DeviantArt, The RJ, Last.fm, New Element, UK Trance Alliance, AA Route Planner, T-Mobile, Carphone Warehouse, XTreme MGR and any other fucking site i wanted to visit. It's a good job i don't need to access porn.

So i tried the dreaded world of MSN Messenger 5. Version 5 being the latest version the fuckheads at Microsoft will let us Mac users have, despite Apple letting all those Windows users have the latest versions of Quicktime. But that's something else i hate. The tossers who 'rewired' this connection have decided that every site should return either a timeout or a connection error and i'm so angry with it i want to punch myself until i become unconscious, and then wake up and set fire to their headquarters. Although the fire would probably just timeout.

This site works, and MySpace sort of tries to. That's all i've found so far that works. So here's a warning to you all:

The connection is on 'IntY ExoServer' and it is SHIT. DO NOT buy into a 'connection' from these wannabes, go for something that will actually work. I know 5 year olds who could network better than they bastarding well can. If they ever provide a connection that actually works i'll reach into my own arsehole and pull out a fucking deer.

Big Brother 2006

AKA ' Let's see how many cunts we can put in a house'

It's started again, Big Brother is back and he's probably even more evil than he was before because he is every year. This Brother gets so evil he might actually turn into satan himself soon. The housemates are mostly asshats again, though. Here's a quick rundown of the vermin you can expect to see if you watch the show:

Bonnie - Bonnie is a fun loving shitbrick who likes to 'blaze it up'. I can only hope this means she likes to set herself on fire and nearly die.

Pete - Has Tourette's syndrome which I can just about forgive him for, but i'm pretty sure Tourettes doesn't make you dress like an absolute twat. He also hates drum and bass, the bastard.

George - Seemed OK until he started to talk. His dream day would be driving a fast car whilst being given a blow job. Presumably from himself.

Shahbaz - His name sounds like the way he acts. I think he should change his name to 'daft twat'. He's gay, therefore he MUST jump around a lot waving his hands and screaming, angering everyone and everything he meets. He could probably anger a tree. Gives gay men a bad name, and he's unemployed. What a waste of time.

Mikey - Sexist, self loving guy who says his penis controls his brain. I wonder if he's ever thought of controlling his brain with a sharp pickaxe? Nice hair, though.

Lea - She used to be fat, now she's just hideous. Could have been non-human at some point in the past....

Imogen - I actually can't find anything i hate about her. Possibly TOO good looking.

Dawn - The most miserable person in the world?

Glyn - Loves himself so much i'll bet he wanks infront of the mirror.

Lisa - Fluent in many languages. I wonder how many words for 'cunt of the highest form' there are in Chinese?

Sezer - Seems an OK guy [EDITED Dec 06: He's a big twat who was suspected of rape. Allegedly. How fun]

and the last few I didn't really watch because I have much better things to be doing with my time. Like writing this shit.

The opinions contained herein are all mine

Recently i’ve been buying a lot of DVDs. They’re all very good, except for the one of my Family Guy DVDs that had to be sent back because the last 3 episodes of the first disc decided to have a fit on me. But a certain online store that begins with A, ends with N and has a Z in it were very good, as they always are, with the return of the disc and i got straight back to watching it once it came back, packaged in softness itself. Except I didn’t. Because the menus seemed to want all the attention. Now, i’m not singling out Family Guy here because it’s normally quite good but lately i’ve begun to notice that almost ALL films have disclaimers and shit at the start that are far too long.

And it’s fucking me right off. First of all you get the usual ‘Do not copy this film or we will send the MI5 round to take your cat hostage’ messages, but now you also get wank such as ‘The views expressed here within are those of the members of staff interviewed and do not represent the views of the company, because we’re scared of being sued by some fat cunt who has nothing better to do than sit around eating biscuits sueing companies so he can buy more sofa to accomodate his fat fucking arse.

That’s bad enough, but then they throw on yet another sting from a random company involved with the film. Usually the company that provided the oxygen for the big Hollywood stars. Then the film starts, and by this time you’ve eaten your own hands in anger, so you can no longer pause it when you need a piss. Which just ruins the entire thing.

Goths can fuck off too

Well, most of them can fuck off. Not the ones who are my friends though. I’m angry at goths a lot. I’m friends with some, and they lack most of the personality problems i hate about the rest. The main personality problem being the fact that they have their heads so far stuck up their own arseholes they have actually turned inside out. They walk around like they own wherever they happen to be yet when they’re threatened they tend to act like hedgehogs; curl up into a ball and hope their attacker either runs away or gets bored kicking the living shit out of them. To be honest, i wouldn’t even want to kick them because it would mean touching them, and people with that much of a lack of respect for anything but themselves deserve only to be kicked by other goths. Failing that, chavs,bacteria or woodlice. Anything on the same social level as them.

Then comes the ‘music’ which can only be described as someone who sounds angry because his mother has burned his cottage pie, shouting loudly into a microphone. Usually about death, which the untalented cunt has no experience of, unless he’s some sort of biological mistake. Actually, that probably explains a lot.

I also read recently that goths tend to go on to be very succesful, becoming lawyers, doctors etc. All i have to say to that is; Could you imagine a goth surgeon?

“AAAAAAOOOOOAOAOAOAORRRRUUGGHGHGHGH IM GONNA CUT YOU OPEN LIKE DEATH INSIDE YOUR MINDS IM GONNA SLICE YOU OPEN SO YOUR GUTS BLEED TOGETHER WITH MINE OH YEEEAAAAAHHHOOOOUUURRGGGGHGHHHHHH!!!!!Woah! Hold on.....you mean i actually have to operate? That would mean looking at blood and my mommy said that blood is a bad thing. I know it’s true because when that man got stabbed at Slipknot he went to an ambulance which drove him to hell.

How’s my make up look though?”

Haircut

I had my hair cut today. Nothing special you may be thinking, people have their hair cut all the time you twat. But today was special because i only had it ‘tidied up’ a bit rather than fully cut. However, when i do have it fully cut i often get the usual wankers exclaiming “Oh, you’ve had your hair cut!”. Yeah, well done you fucking trollop, what you’ve managed to do there is use one of your senses to see that something has changed visually about me. It’s generally what the sight sense is used for, seeing things. Those two mushy balls in your skull are your eyes you useless bastard.

I know I have had MY haircut because it’s MY hair, for fuck’s sake. It’s not like I just wandered into the barber’s in a daze and managed to get it cut by accident, leaving money behind in the process, is it? What i like to do when they mention this is to kick them really hard in the face. Try it. It works.

Everyone hates me!

I’m currently facing a huge dilemma. My local chip shop seems to hate me, but i love them with all my heart. And by them i mean the potato flakes they sell, heck i even love the chicken guts in pastry bowls but they still hate me. I swear whenever i walk in there i get a huge burn mark on my forehead that says ‘HELLO CUNTS’, like a slightly more offensive Harry Potter, but one that eats lots of chips and hasn’t got a load of fucking cash, because they give me evil looks every time I walk in! If I don’t have this mysterious scar then i can only conclude that they are bastards who hate me because i’m fucking awesome and they are clearly not. They may make delicious chips but they are not awesome.

No, awesome is something only a select few possess; David Hasslehoff and the bloke who did the voiceover at the start of the ancient kids TV show ‘Tugs’, which actually sounds like some kind of horrible porn title where big grunting men masturbate themselves into epilepsy using powerful but small boats. Come to think of it, the opening titles did contain lots of lounge jazz.....

I know the wrong people

Have you ever been in the company of somebody who made you want to throw gravel into your own eyes? I have, and i’m not going to mention any names because she might hunt me down and talk about herself until i had a stroke, but she never ever shuts up about anything to do with her. As long as it involves her, she’ll talk about it until the sun sets and she has to wear one of those weird night vision goggle sets to see herself in the mirror. Recently she got bought gifts and wouldn’t shut up about them because they were so ‘amazingly, like, cute’.

I believe the gifts should have been remote controlled explosives. I know what i’d ask for at Christmas time, and it wouldn’t be a shiny red fucking bike. But she goes on and on and on and i can only imagine that one day everybody she talks to will go into a coma and she’ll talk herself to cancer. Which we could all celebrate with jelly, ice cream and class A drugs, because that’s what the ‘youth of today’ get up to, right?

Well, no. Because at the moment our dealers won’t come anywhere near the chatter whore. She’s like a fucking Pacman on speed, the mouth just flapping open and noise coming out. She may as well be exhaling static and nobody would care any less, infact it would probably be at least three times as interesting as the shit that currently piles out of that hole in her face.

Supermarket Slag

Why is it that some people are just big tossers? I was walking through a supermarket the other day when a girl, with a bunch of her slapper mates stared at me and said in a squeaky voice “ELLO” followed by a long silent stare. I carried on walking, wondering if it was someone i knew, before simply replying with “....hello”, as you do when someone says hello to you. But then she did the strangest thing, she walked off giggling with her mates as if it was hilarious. Sorry, did i miss something you daft bitch? Did you suddenly contract a lethal dose of tuberculosis?

I hope she did, because had she not walked around the corner into the vegetable section i’d have shot her in the fucking throat. It seems she was so impressed with making her mates laugh at her obvious intelligence that she didn’t notice the fact that everyone was laughing AT her, not with her. Even the old woman stood looking at her basket wondering why she’d bought such shit batteries (again) was laughing at her, and i know for a fact that old woman also wanted to throw the girl’s dead body into a canal . Rolled up in carpet. With a jack tied to her leg.

But this doesn’t matter, because i win. I had better shopping. I was buying lots of alcohol to have a good time with my friends, whereas they were walking around buying chewing gum, probably to try and disguise the smell of the fags they’d been smoking from their moms. If she ever found out she might cut her pocket money so she can’t buy any more Barbie dolls. Plus, i have more money than they do. And a car. I don’t think she had a car.

The elderly make me smile

I have to admit that the elderly make me smile. They make me smile when i walk past them and they stare at me in a funny way because they’re about to die and i’m not. They make me smile when they drive incredibly slowly because their ankles are far too flimsy to push the throttle down enough to get out of first gear. It all makes me smile, and by smile i mean ‘want to throttle the living daylights out of them’. All 4 days of it.

The thing is, we were all young once, so surely they must know they’re pissing off everybody else? They must know that driving badly irritates people and yet they still do it, possibly for ‘shits and giggles’. Recently i witnessed an elderly lady driving her car into a fence and it was the most unspectacular thing i have ever seen. She was doing a so-so job of turning her car around at a junction when she stopped, got the revs up and dumped the clutch causing her car to lurch into a fence and rape it all down the sides. She fucked a fence with her car. That’s something most people, let alone the elderly cannot claim to have ever done. It sounds like the kind of thing drunken students would try, along with pushing over cows and cartwheeling across a zebra crossing for a fiver.

Yet i was unimpressed. Had she followed this fence-fuck with a dropkick through her own windscreen then i may have given her an ounce of credit, but as it was i simply followed her home and sealed her inside her house with a giant fence. It seemed fitting.

The first angtry

Yes, i just made up a new word

Deal with it. I think it describes perfectly what these blog entries are all about, my angry life. I'm sure there are loads of these kind of things out there but living in Somerset helps me make mine funny, because Somerset is full of utter tossers. I live in Taunton as a student and pretty much everyone gets on my tits.

The elderly make me want to try and stop trains with my balls, and the goth kids make me so mad it melts oxygen. Combining the two with other elements thrown in for good measure makes for some absolute bollocks that probably doesn't make sense most of the time. But hey, that's me. As everyone who meets me says:

"You're a total wanker. But we love you"

Actually, they don't but I like to think they do.