Religion makes me angry!

Believe it or not.

I don't like the Bible because it comes across as quite pretentious and this makes me feel so sick my penis retracts into my body. So i started to rewrite it very quickly. This is just a bit about the miracles and whatnot;

"So, what did you do today son?"
"Well, first i went to Tesco to get some soup and then i came out and there was an ill man almost collapsed on the side of the road. He was blind, had no legs and had a hole in his face from where a grenade went off in his mouth. So i healed him and that."
"You did what?!"
"I healed him. Then i went to the local school and fed all the children with one Pot Noodle. Then it started to rain, i was gutted because my hair was going to get wet. So i just stopped it and lowered the sun a bit to get my hair dry."
"Erm.....are you feeling alright?"
"Yeah, fine! I didn't even have to get me sandals wet because i parted all of the puddles. And tonight i've got a date with a complete slut. I'm going to get the free water, turn it into wine, get her drunk and shag her in the bogs."

Infact, i'm going out later on to pick up some food from my local shops and on the way there i'm going to try and part the traffic, like in Bruce Almighty. This could result in me being either killed or arrested, but being able to perform miracles i will simply kill them all just by looking at them. Then when i get to the shop i'm going to turn all of the water into Vodka just to shit people up a bit.

Shortly afterwards i might be put into a mental asylum where i'll be able to rewrite the bible fully and show the whole world my genius. Either that or they'll ignore me and die of global warming.

If i don't write another entry it's because either the above has actually happened or i've been kidnapped by religious followers and crucified.